do you believe in planets?

"honor his policies"--WHAT??

I will not apologize for calling a spade a spade.

This girl--bless her sheltered, spoiled, thin-lipped soul--is a MORON.

I will not apologize.

DO/DO NOT WANT

It threatens to warm up; I threaten to resume paying attention to my appearance after many long months of neglect. Don't tempt me, weather gods! My bank-account can't compete wiff my deezyres!

DO WANT: black sequined skirt. miniskirt. stretchy. dunno, just do.
DO NOT WANT: sailor-dress. ever.

DO WANT: endless supply of tights and leggings, of various textures and colors, but the steadiest supply of black opaque tights on one hand, and neutral fishnets on the other.
DO NOT WANT: open-toed boots. for eff's sake. makes even LESS sense than shorts and tights.

DO WANT: more flannel.
DO NOT WANT: to continue loving lace. what is up with that? can't. stop.

DO WANT: Chanel handbag.
DO NOT WANT: to pay for it.

DO WANT: both the trend of a) long tunic-length tops, AND b) that of true-waist-cinching to continue, although they are separate from each other and not compatible.
DO NOT WANT: a) the trend of tunic-length "makes me look preggers" tops, plus the trend of b) butterfly beltbuckles on gigantic belts cinching at the waist--to continue.

DO WANT: black riding-style boots. with a little heel, though. and some brown slouchy ones. could also use a red pair. electric blue? maybe. also want some t-strap heels. and some black mary janes. more funnel-heels. non-patent everything, please.
DO NOT WANT: any of the shoes in my closet. Except my chacos. I'll never give those ugly-ass things up.

two promises; two predictions

I PROMISE...

...that Kate Bosworth is a fucking idiot. I not only promise, I swear it. And you can ask Conan.*

I FURTHER PROMISE...

...never to that I will allow you to kill me if I ever wear tights under shorts. And I DOUBLE promise not to wear tights under shorts CAPPED OFF WITH SANDALS OR OPEN-TOED FOOTWEAR OF ANY KIND. This includes strappy anything and kitten-heeled what-have-you.**

~~Intermission~~

I PREDICT...

...that I will STILL forget to purchase adhesive bandages tomorrow, despite the fact that I gouged myself open tonight and--get this--fixed a cotton-round to my finger with dental floss to stop myself from bleeding all over my belongings as I continued to unpack.

I FURTHER PREDICT...

...that my exercise schedule that was entirely effed by my vacation this week will continue to be effed this weekend and next week, as a) I have weekend guests from P-land, and b) classes begin anew on Monday.

cnn.com terror levels: high, higher, highest

Really rather terrifying:

Absolutely terrifying:

WHIMPERING IN THE CORNER TERRIFYING:

another day, another serving up of WTF?!?!?!

Weeaaaal, yeah, first there was this. That big hole where the street should be? That's less than a block from where I sit. If you watch the video, that be my corner and shit. (On a sidenote, I love the part where the reporter is all like, "No one is sure exactly why the water main, which is between 80-100 years old, broke..." Hmm. Maybe because IT'S ONE HUNDRED YEARS FREAKING OLD).

Then there's Heath Ledger.

Then there's Billy Poole.

At least there's...

the 'POVA! Kicking the crap out of Justine Henin, the world number one, in straight sets! 6-4 6-0! Hope Justine likes bagels.

"So, Crazy Tennis Fan Ebeff," you ask. " If MaSha wins the Australian Open, will that make up for recent, deeply saddening events in Green Bay, WI? Events that will never, ever be discussed on this blog so help Ebeff God?"

My response: "Uh, Maria would have to win the entire Grand Slam (psst! that means all four majors in one year!) for the next decade to make up for that, and in the process would have to marry her highschool sweetheart (tough, considering MaSha was homeschooled/tutored), grow some adorable stubble, and develop some serious matchpoint pointy fingers. Then she would have to retire to a farm in Mississippi."

Just sayin'.

it is not quite 8 AM, and already several strange things have happened to or near me...

1. Some dude is unwinding and balling his girlfriend's skeins (sp?) of yarn for her while she knits. I can't decide whether a) I want to steal him away from her, or b) he's the last pansy-ass on earth I'd let lay a whipped-as-hell paw on me.

2. In a relatively empty cafe, someone just chose to sit directly--like, I CAN FEEL HER BREATHING DIRECTLY--next to me. Yes, there's a decent chance she is reading this right now.

3. Some 50-odd year-old gentleman at the front of the cafe who is sitting with a group of about eight people (too large a group for the size of the cafe, really) just turned around a full 180 degrees, pointed to me, and exclaimed loudly, "THAT girl, sitting back there." I have never seen him before in my life. Baffled much?

Apparently, the first day of the term has offered up a generous portion of "WHAT THE FUCK" for breakfast. ONLY ITEM ON THE MENU BITCHES

things I'll miss when I go.

And so it begins. Now that I've ceased freaking out--I'm all freak and all out--and consider my maRble-sack entirely empty, I can admit to being a...how'd that go?...oh yeah, a "sloshing sack of emotions" for the time being. Before I turn my feelings off again, allow me to be sentimental for the sake of a couple lists:

I call this one "For All the Girls I've Loved Before." In no particular order:

Joy -- though she lives in Seattle, she's my sea star.
Kirsten -- though she's tirelessly critical of my hair, she's so much like me it's weeeiiiird.
Tara -- though I've hardly seen her all summer, she loves hard.
Jenny -- though I've hardly seen her at all sober, she entertains.
Mary -- though she often gets me wrong, she laughs with me like no one laughs with me.
Lisa -- though she's widely misunderstood, she lets it go.
Taya -- though she seems intimidating, she doesn't mean it.

You'll notice that's a short list. I don't know too many women. Or maybe I just don't like too many women. Whatevs.

I call this next one "Just Call Me Angel of the Morning." Breakfast is my favorite meal, after all:

Genie's--the new coffee bar is rad.
Paradox--vegans are lame, but this place has sentimental value.
Cup & Saucer--cranky staff!
Juniors--one block away.
Zell's--just plain rad.
Tiny's--around the corner: coffee that your spoon stands up in, terrible, terribly loud music, and overpriced sandwiches. Why do I love thee? Repeat question mark.

That's all for now.

update; LOLcat

Updates first, then you get a treat for good behavior:

1) Sharapova made her first French Open Semi! Woo-hoo! And then had her ass handed to her in said Semi. Boo-hoo! Oh well, I was pleased with her overall showing, though I wish she had shown UP for her match against the delightfully pigeon-toed babyfat queen who is young Serb Ana Ivanovic.

2) Jankovic and Henin up next. Oh please take her down, Jankovic! What fun would an all-Serbian final be? How BORED I am of Henin and her French Open "trifecta"! What fun would your first grand slam final be? What fun you are to watch during press conferences, what with your big smiles and your confusing forehead and mile-long nose and all! How proud would I be if I have predicted the winner of both the women's AND the men's tournament? WHAT DRAMA!

3) The ankle is sore, but much, much better--my panic has subsided. It's stiffer today after testing it by hitting a few balls last night (insert laugh-track here), but I believe whatever is wrong will lose and I will win through continued rest, anti-inflammatories, and ankle strengthening exercises.

4) I'm so tired of Iron and Wine I could vomit.

5) Grading papers on four hours of sleep is less than ideal, but I had to stay up late to sweat/writhe/whimper off the tummyache (still in denial that I'm lactose intolerant), then get up at 5 AM to watch the Sharapova-Ivanovic match. Being tired doesn't make the papers any harder to grade, really--I forget I'm exhausted until I stop working and come up for air...then...the peepers... droop...zzzz

zzzz
zzz

::snort::

Huh? What? Mom? Oh.

So anyway, grading papers on no sleep--yeah, not so bad considering today is...

6. MY LAST DAY OF TEACHING FOR THE NEXT YEAR AND A HALF! Cue party music! And... cue unemployment. No? Shit.

7. This cafe is full of crazies.

Okay, you've been updated. Here's your LOLcat:

LOL!

See, it worked!

shake out the sand, then put the panties back on. very good, ebeff.

A little break from the norm; something pleasant: finally got my photos from Short Sands up on Flickr.

Took Aaron there while he was visiting. Not mbimotmog Aaron, but this Aaron:

What else? Ten things:

1. It was fun.

2. We saw a gray whale, sea lions, cormorands (sp?), a bald eagle, pelicans, and the world's biggest, grossest slug.

3. We saw waterfalls and romped along the beach.

4. We picnicked out at the cape that affords the most amazing views ever and only costs an easy 2.5-mile hike.

5. The beach is surrounded by tall cliffs in a U-shaped cove popular among surfers for its even breaks.

6. I almost froze my feet off.

7. A rogue wave got us.

8. We had fish and chips at a pub in Cannon Beach after showing Aaron the Goonies rocks.

9. The waitress poured someone the wrong beer and gave it to me.

10. I will truly, truly miss the ocean.

my cat is having a terrible day.

She's skittish to begin with, but today worked her every nerve.

First, she's always traumatized when we have guests. She stares at the door the guest lives behind and growls. We have a guest.

Second, she doesn't deal well with J's early morning shifts. If he leaves before it's fully daylight (which he often does when he opens the cafe), she wanders around the apartment searching for him, howling, until I convince her to lay down and go back to sleep. (Yes, it's cute, but it's also obnoxious.) He worked early this morning.

Third, there was a pretty nasty car accident right under our balcony today. It involved two trucks, a van, and a telephone pole. It produced a great deal of noise. I thought something had exploded, at first. My cat had been on my lap. After digging every single claw deep into my thighs, she launched onto the floor, darted into the bedroom, and disappeared under the bed for half an hour.

Fourth, the first peal of thunder I've heard since fall just cracked over our heads, followed by several of its friends. Kitty disappeared under the futon.

Finally, kitty had bravely ventured back into the living room and was again curled up in my lap (greatly interfering with my ability to type cover letters for jobs I don't want).

Hail hitting the windows grabbed her attention. Hail coming down the chimney into the living room sent her galloping for the bedroom again.

Poor, poor kitty.

But that hailstorm? RAD. Pictures later.

more made-up categories and pointless lists, because organizing my thoughts is too intimidating a task

Crappy things about this week:

1) First week of classes. Pbbbbbbbt.
2) Spring Break is over. Pbbbbbbbt.
3) Serena Williams re-embarassed Maria Sharapova at the Sony-Ericsson Open last week, and I'm still recovering.
4) My roots are showing.
5) Still struggling with my decision about MilRockEe

Awesome things about this week:

1) Joy and Matt are coming down from Seattle for the weekend! Yay!
2) I bought the raddest most awesomest dress ever this weekend and I'm gonna wear the SHIT out of it.
3) Looks like good tennis weather may be in the forecast.
4) I have a job interview for a non-teaching position. Praise Geebuzz!
5) Crappy McCrapFace is on sabbatical, so I don't have to worry about running into him in the copy room/office/lounge what have you.

Options for my future:

1) Stay In Portland FOREVER.
2) Stay in Portland another year, reapply to PhD programs next year after rehabilitating my five year-old GRE scores.
3) Move to Milwaukee, accept the nice work+school+money deal, and roll with the punches.

I would like to request a vote on the above. Or if you have alternative suggestions, I'm all ears.

Hi-larious thing that happened:

I found Jamey's first gray hair! Bwahahahaaaa! I usually pay Jamey the courtesy of not writing much about him, mainly because he never, EVER reads this blog and thus is not present to defend himself. HOWEVER! This was awesome. We were unloading groceries, IN THE DARK, when I caught a glint off of a hair close to the back of his neck and screeched, "Hold still!" He was all "what?!? WHAT?!?" thinking there's a big spider or something (what a girl). I yoinked it out, which he got all owly about, insisting I couldn't tell the gray ones from the blonde ones in the dark, and he's not going gray, and waa waa waa, but once we got inside and inspected it, of COURSE I was right, and it's now scotch-taped to the filing cabinest in the office next to a post-it that says "HA-HA!" I'm pretty pleased, both with my eagle eye, and that he is showing signs of aging. It makes me paranoid to begin with that I'm older, but I kinda LOOK older, plus I gots lots o' gray under all the red dye. Phew! Jamey's OLD. Ha (upward inflection). Ha (and downward).

Top Five lists, because I want to write something

Top Five Things I Said to My Students this Term

1. "Of course we can discuss it further. Or we can agree to disagree. Or we can argue about it, and you will lose."

2. "I cannot explain your fickle heart to you or to anyone."

3. "If I stood here and explained Naziism to you, would you leap to the assumption that I am, 'obviously,' a Nazi?"

4. "It is not my job to manage your schedule for you. But I'm sorry about your fiancee."

5. "That is precisely the kind of comment it's more than acceptable to keep to yourself."

Top Five Parts of My Body That Hurt Right Now

1. My head. But I think that's because it's only six AM and I can smell coffee but haven't had any yet.

2. My right palm. After taking over a month off, I played tennis for the first time on Sunday--two hours of tennis, to be precise--and then I had a lesson on Monday. My hand hurts from gripping the racquet too tightly. I'm a little high-strung. HA! Get it? Strung?

3. My inner thighs. Apparently there are muscles you use for tennis that you don't use for running, or for anything else that doesn't involve chasing a ball around a concrete rectangle like a lunatic. Because I 've been running increasing distances every day as part of my training regimen for a half-marathon, yet I ache today, I ACHE. Although it's looking less and less likely that I will actually be able to run the marathon, because of...

4. ...my knees. If I run on the treadmill, I'm fine. As soon as I try to run outside on the pavement, a) my nerd gene kicks in and I get asthma, plus b) my joints can't take the pounding. I said "take the pounding," hehehe.

5. My right shoulder. Again, tennis. I think the only good workout to get you into shape for tennis is playing tennis. Those sneaky little tennis muscles always hurt after I take a break, even if I've been working out faithfully, yoga and all.

Top Six Artists I've Been Loading onto My iPod Shuffle Lately

1. Magnetic Fields

2. Pasqualle (no, I am not cooler than you, they are a local band/friend's band. Black Heart Procession meets Nick Cave).

3. Crooked Fingers

4. Man Man

5. The Japanese

6. Cat Power

Top Five Bands Coming to Town That I'd Love to See but Will Have To Pick and Choose Due to Financial Constraints

1. Xiu Xiu

2. Trans Am

3. Low

4. Modest Mouse (their last two records effin' blew, but I've still never seen 'em).

5. Bright Eyes...

[...]

[...]

..KIDDING! About the Bright Eyes part.

Top Five Objects of My Fierce and Passionate Love, Not to Mention That "I Cannot be Held Responsibe for My Actions" Kind of Droolery:

1. Robert Downey, Jr. in "Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang."

2. Robert Downey, Jr. in that bicycle riding/gun shooting photo in Esquire a month or so ago

[edit]

[end edit]

3. Robert Downey, Jr. during his run on "Ally McBeal."

4. Robert Downey, Jr. in "Wonder Boys."

5. Jon Stewart. I can't explain.

shortlists

Things I've done lately:

1. I spent a weekend on the coast for Tara's birthday. Crabbing, beer-pong, midnight dips in the ocean followed by shivering sprints to the hottub, nine people piling into that four-person hottub, greasefires, opposable thumbs, drunk yahtzee, bloody mary pitchers, and loooooong walks on the beach. Plus I got my own bed. Flawless. See Flickr photo set for images that correspond to the memories.

2. Sebadoh at Berbati's Pan. So Lou Barlow got fat, Eric Gaffney is still a train wreck, and Sebadoh didn't play a single song off Harmacy. Was it still worth the $30 (fifteen per ticket, and I had to bribe Matt with a FREE one--meaning one I payed for--to avoid going alone)? Maybe. Did I steal Kraus's beer-bottle filter idea and snap a hilarious series of Matt Matt-Pants glamor shots before the show? Yep (yep yep yep yep yep yep). See Flickr photo set for images that capture the moment/s.

Schools that accepted me:

1. UWM.

Cities I *want* to live in:

1. Portland, OR
2. Chicago, IL

Songs with promising intros that make the crappy song that follows that much more disappointing:

1. The first track on Bob Mould's The Last Dog and Pony Show. The first strains/lines promise that what follows will be one of Bob's earnest laments, and it is, but it's so repetitive and overproduced that it's just a nightmare.

how to: alienate all of your friends!

From the Nerdspace pipeline of time-wasting crap:

SLAMBOOK!

Name three things you like and three you dislike about your last ten commenters. Then post your list as a comment to all ten people’s pages so they can do the same!

Okay, here’s my issue with slambooks: a) they fall within the realm of middle school girls and slumber parties, b) they’re cruel and hurtful (I still hate my nose, my shoulders, and my forehead because of those snotty little braindead bitches), and, most importantly, c) they’re supposed to be anonymous. Meaning, you don’t claim your comments, you just scribble them in everyone’s slambooks like the coward you are (but there’s still the off-chance that your had-been friend might recognize your handwriting and hate you forever for telling her she has a big nose and she’s too tall and has big shoulders [broad shoulders are sexy, you poor-postured little sloped-shouldered hunchback freaks] and her forehead is too high and WOW SHE REALLY OUGHT TO GET A BODY WAVE. Not that I’m bitter.).

Having nothing to do today but grade papers, I shall complete the slambook, but I’m gonna do it bloggie-style (wah-waaah!) and use my last ten BLOG commenters--still, I’m NOT going to call it a slambook due to the above-listed three items. In lieu of "SLAMBOOK!", I'll call it "thoughtless list I spend very little time on that might offend or otherewise alienate ten people!"

Regardless of how many times you've commented, I’m gonna only “do you” once. I hope you like it bloggie style.

MARY:

Likes:
1. She finds being a grown up to be a strange experience. “There’s a boy in my bed!” Adorable.
2. She’s tall, catholic, and often mistaken for my sister.
3. Snorts when she laughs.

Dislikes:
1. She lives far away (Alaska, for fuck’s sake)
2. I’m jealous of her “exquisite collar bones”
3. Decided to move back to PDX… right around the time I might be leaving.

JOSEPH:

Likes:
1. He appreciates postcards
2. He finds three kidneys fascinating (and, I assume, charming)
3. His political views and how he expresses them

Dislikes:
1. He lives far away (OH)
2. For all I know, he COULD be covered in scales. Scary!
3. Um… for all I know, he could smell really bad?

CHROMEEYES:

Likes:
1. His rapid-fire spewing of semi-coherent nonsense/genius
2. He’s a sweetheart
3. “Quite right.”

Dislikes:
1. He lives far away (Twin Cities)
2. He punched me in the eye and called me a bitch
3. Then he picked me up over his shoulder, threw me onto the beer-covered floor, and fell on top of me

KF:

Likes:
1. Dry sense of humor.
2. He’s furry, like a bear!
3. He’s patient and nice.

Dislikes:
1. He lives far away (Wisco)
2. His passion for chocolate is so much stronger than mine that I consider it a direct challenge to my femininity
3. After knowing him for 15+ years, he still kicks me in the shins on occasion, ha!

JENNIFER:

Likes:
1. FROSTING FIGHT! (She didn’t kill us all afterwards)
2. She thinks it's funny when I make fun of Aaron. Which I can’t resist doing, so I’m lucky.
3. She’s smart and funny and nice AND a girl.

Dislikes:
1. She lives far away (Chicago)
2. She didn’t come to my rescue as I wailed her name over and over while her boyfriend mashed frosting into my hair, hehehe. To her credit, she did wash the frosting out of my shirt.
3. She hasn’t used her bikechain to get me into a certain institution of higher education

KARL:

Likes:
1. He teaches me things about words.
2. His misanthropic sense of humor.
3. His misanthropy.

Dislikes:
1. He lives far away (Wisco)
2. He made me sing along with park life until I couldn’t speak the next day. HE FORCED ME I SAY.
3. His habitual promptness makes me feel like an asshole for always being like two (okay, two to twenty) minutes late.

SPINE:

Likes:
1. He juices!
2. He’s polite.
3. Yet not a stick-up-the-ass.

Dislikes:
1. He lives far away (St. Johns, LOL!)
2. Um… I haven’t seen him in so long, it’s POSSIBLE he’s grown scales.
3. He might very well smell bad by now, too.

EMILY:

Likes:
1. Her blog
2. Her comments on my blog.
3. Her charming list of six oddities.

Dislikes:
1. Um… she lives far away (Twin Cities)
2. For all I know, she could be covered in scales! Scary!
3. For all I know, she could smell really bad.

EM OH LEE:

Likes:
1. She’s Em Oh Lee (that covers a lot).
2. She’s small enough that I can pick her up and sling her over my hip, just like a doll!
3. We laugh at people we really shouldn’t laugh at.

Dislikes:
1. She lives far away (Wisco)
2. She’s about to live even FARTHER away (New Zealand)
3. I haven’t seen her in like two years. :(

LOS:
Likes:
1. He’s the sweetest ever, but not without snarky undertones
2. The nickname he used for his band in an email the other day, LOL!
3. He’s coming to Portland!

Dislikes:
1. He lives far away (Wisco)
2. He’s coming to Portland NOT TO SEE ME.
3. Man, when he’s wasted, he’s just a douchebag!

I'm not posting these on anyone else's blog. I don't desire reciprocation, plus I rilly, like, totally don't care what you think. MY NOSE IS FINE.

P.S. Sorry my list items were not grammatically parallel.

Tagged!

According to this game, we are all quite odd. The purpose is to list six odd things about yourself, then tag six people to do the same. My wordy-ass list of oddities:

1. Sigh. The old reliable: I have three kidneys. And… in case you didn’t know… most people only have two.

2. I don’t “doodle.” Instead, I obsessively try to draw perfect circles and perfectly symmetrical hearts freehand. I have done this since elementary school.

3. As a kid, starting around six or so, I would think about people’s minds and why my thoughts were trapped in my body, and others' thoughts were trapped in their bodies, and wonder why I was I, they were they, and why, for example, my thoughts couldn’t leap over to someone else’s brain or body. I would look at other people and try to force my thoughts into their brains so I could escape my little sphere of isolation, have some mental company. It never worked. But the more I would think about it, the more upset I would get about how arbitrary it seemed that “I” was thinking “my” thoughts. Eventually I would get the feeling that “I” wasn’t anything at all, and then this dizzy sensation coupled with nausea would come over me. It was horrifying, but kind of sublime. As an adult, I can think about the same things in more “sophisticated” terms, but I can’t make that dizzy, nauseated feeling come.

I once told Jared all of this, and he patted me on the head and said, “Awww! Ebeff! You were a little existentialist!” I would venture that I was and am something of a materialist.

4. I grind my teeth to the rhythm of whatever song is in my head. I think I do it to keep myself from actually bursting into song, but also because my neck and jaw tend to carry all my tension. With a little help from my shoulders and back, of course.

5. I rarely find men my own age or younger than me strikingly attractive anymore. As I’ve gotten closer to thirty, it’s rare that a man under forty (whom I don’t already know) truly catches my eye. Is that dirty?

6. When I was in junior high, my aunt Laurie was decapitated in a car wreck (gruesome, I know), killed along with her infant son. The whole family was shaken up, but one of my cousins was freaking the eff out. She told me that on the day Laurie died, she’d had a vision of my grandfather (dead then) at the top of some stairs, gesturing for her to come up, but she felt as is someone had brushed by her on the stairs and headed up toward him. She got home from school that day and learned Laurie had died. I blew off my cousin’s story about her vision because it sounded like bullshit.

Less than a year later, I was sitting in school when heavy dread filled my gut, then suddenly a crystal-clear image of my aunt Laurie laughing flashed into my head. Then I flashed to what I saw upon walking into my parents’ house the day she had died--the mail thrown on the floor in the hallway, the box of tissues on the arm of the sofa, all alerting me that something was really, really wrong. I forgot about these “flashes” until I got home that night and learned my cousin (who had had the vision of Laurie and our grandfather) had drowned to death that day. I also discovered that it was my cousin’s birthday—not the one who had drowned, but the baby cousin who was killed with Laurie.

I never told any of my family any of the above nonsense, partly because it’s creepy and sharing would be in poor taste, and partly because, in reality, it’s all just eerie coincidence. Regardless, ever since I’ve felt that Laurie and my cousin can see everything I do, and even though I don’t actually believe that’s true, I talk to them both sometimes. I kind of take them around with me.

It’s creepy, I know.

I don’t know whom to tag! Everyone I know who internerds already done been tagged-ed. I guess I’ll tag some regular readers AND some occasional lurkers, all equally unlikely to play the game. I hereby tag: Mary, Jane, Emily, KF, Joseph, Ann B.

GO! Emily and Mary, I at least expect you to acknowledge that you’ve been tagged…