climbing the nerd/snob ladder

coffee
Originally uploaded by thelizabeth.

If you know me outside of the internets, you probably know that coffee is one of my first and truest, most lasting, most satisfying, rarely disapointing loves. It's not just the jangly-nerved workaholic in me that loves me my dark-as-tar brew; it's the softer (grudgingly romantic, occasionally tree-hugging, nostalgia-soaked) side of me that associates coffee with some of my fondest memories. Coffee reminds me of San Francisco, Vancouver, Paris, Madison, Chicago--even goddamn JUNEAU--all at the same time. It's also the one indulgence I allow myself when I'm living out of a boat/backpant/tent what-have-you, so when I think of my "trips"--Porcupine Mountains, Bandalier, French RIver, Boundary Waters, north shore of Lake Superior, Sucia Island, San Bernadino mountains, etc.--my morning coffee connects them all.

Like many passionate addicts, I'm both a coffee snob and a coffee whore. I like my coffee medium-dark roasted (too dark tastes ashy), full-bodied, and french pressed after being ground slightly too fine for french press, which qualifies me as a snob, now scarred for life after living in Portland (because nowhere in the US outwise of the PNW has comparable brew, and Stumptown, a Portland company, is the end-all and be-all of PNW coffee, in my opinion). At the same time, though, if desperation/addiction requires it, I WILL drink whatever's available. It's kind of like college guys with sex.

I thought my Sweet Baby (Matt) was the end-all-and be-all of Portland coffee snobs. He works at Stumptown, is a Stumptown-trained barista, and displays all the snobbery that comes with that snobby-ass snooty-snob territory. Worth notingis that in many places on the West Coast "barista" is a rather competitive profession, not a crappy service-industry job. I share many of Sweet Baby's beliefs, though my knowledge about the finer details of espresso-slinging pales in comparison to his.

HOWEVER!

This week one of my PSU professor-friends REFUSED my gift of a pound of Stumptown, claiming that any commercially sold coffee is not fresh enough for him. So how, you may wonder, and indeed, I asked, does he get his fix? His shocking response: HE BUYS RAW BEANS AND ROASTS HIS OWN. Though deep-down I admired his dedication, I mocked his (what I called) excessive snobbery (as opposed to Matt's and my own, which I thought was approaching the upper limits of appropriate), and happily kept the Stumptown coffee for myself. Then he emailed me yesterday asking me to come by his office, where he gifted me with a half-pound of his own home-roasted beans.

AND HOLY CRAP. IT WAS SO GOOD.

I've begrudgingly decided that I might try the same, and I guess there are all these online places you can order your own raw beans so you can roast them and then, like, DRINK YOUR COFFEE THE SAME DAY IT'S ROASTED.

New height of nerdiness: attained!

Holy hell's bells.

Comments

[emolee]

mmmm stumptown... i wish i could still be a coffee snob. :( but living in places where people don't put the same value on coffee allows me not to be one. boooo. This one time, I had a really great friend send me 2 lbs of stumptown beans, it was delicious and heavenly... maybe roasting my own beans is my best chance back into coffee snobbery.

[thelizabeth]

Are you asking me to send you coffee? (c;

[emolee]

of course not ;) i hate delicious coffee from stumptown!

[thelizabeth]

Who wouldn't? Unless they're some kind of SNOB!

[KF]

Sounds similar to homebrewing (beer) snobs.

[emily]

Why would anyone refuse coffee? Ever? Aparently I'm in the same ranks of horny college guy coffee loving whore. Stumptown, eh? My friend is off to Portland this weekend. Must ask her to bring some.

[thelizabeff]

Emily: DO IT! Seriously, your life will never be the same. So maybe you shouldn't do it... no, no, seriously, do it. Well...it's going to scar you...

KF: You must know some high-brow homebrewers. Most of the beer home-brewers I knew (Prof. Allen aside) were hippie dipshits who wouldn't know good coffee if it flowed like liquid gold from their water bongs.

[emily]

Love is pain, elizabeff, love is pain.

[Spine]

Mmm.....Stumptown. I'm going to make some right now.

[Mary]

As I don't drink coffee and am rather a certified black tea snob, I am not going to comment on your actual content but rather tell you that I like this posting. It is one of my favorites.

[thelizabeff]

I knew you'd appreciate the Alaska reference 9c;

[Karl]

I may not know coffee, but I know emoticons, and yours are becoming distressingly heterodox.

[KF]

Fucking hippies.

[thelizabeff]

Karl: It's winking, AND sticking its tongue out, DUH. And so WHAT if I had to look up "heterodox" in my online dictionary. Doesn't mean I'm stupid 9c:<

KF: I agree but prefer the more aggressive verbal form, "fuck hippies."

[Karl]

I'm talking about the noses. The God-damed noses, and your use of a "9" instead of a lowercase "p", which leads me to my last point: your emoticons are upside-down.

[Ann]

Let me know how the Adventures in Roasting go. All I can get over here is Starfucks, so perhaps we can arrange a trade (obnoxiously cute Korean school supplies?)

[thelizabeff]

TRADE ARE AWESOME I WANT MAIL.

[KF]

I would mock your prof-friend and his freshness argument. I imagine "freshness" doesn't have anything to do with it.

He needs an answer that's more like...I enjoy roasting my own beans and IMNSHO my roasting conditions are such that beans produce a better cup of coffee any comercial roaster in the country. In fact, I know my coffee is so good that I will never try any comercially available coffee ever again and I was thinking about building a great big wall around my house so no one can steal my coffee roasting technology.

[thelizabeth]

KF, are you honestly telling me you don't think there MIGHT be a quality difference between a) coffee roasted four days ago, and b) coffee roasted 20 minutes ago? Puh-leez. Pbbt. Pshaw.

[Karl]

Maybe the guy just likes the roasting coffee smell. That deep, rich, coffee smell. That full, acrid, chemical, "overpowers the paper mill down the block" smell.

[jennifer]

I demand and emoticon-off!

Dc:<

[jennifer]

AN emoticon-off.

)c:}

[KF]

Quality of the roasting four days ago and quality of the roasting 20 min ago could be the same. Taste or qualities of the coffee produced by each might be very different. Some might be for the better and some for the worse. I think it is pretty standard to allow the coffee to rest for a certain period of time after roasting (maybe there is a particular roast that needs a two-day rest after the roast instead of the standard 24 hour rest period and I don't think 20 min is common but would probably produce decent coffee). One persons 24-hour rest is anothers stale coffee. I think the guy likes the coffee produced from his roasting process best. It's silly for him not to even taste other coffees though.

[thelizabef]

Jennifer: 8~}

J c`:

HAHAHAthosewereterribleyouwin

KF: He's a coffee snob. He lives in Portland. Of COURSE he's tasted/liked other coffees, just, yeah, like yousaid,prefers his own. I think he knows what he's doing. He says it's also a cost thing. you buy a pound of stumptown for $14, and even if it was super-fresh when you bought it, by the time you get though the whole pound, especially if you don't seal it perfectly, it's not as fresh. He can roast his own for about 9 a pound, and he can make small batches as needed.

But as for the wall around his house, Ibet he hasn't thought of that. Althouh,interestingly enough, his house IS on stilts. Still I'll look into getting that wall set up for him.

Did you guys ever drink that coffee i brought? Next time i'll bring tea. after i consult with mary.

cananyonetellthatthiscomputerhasashittyspacebar?

I wanna try roasting coffeee in my air-popper. I'm all class!

[KF]

Yep we finished that a long time ago.

I guess I should have said that sometimes it's rude not to accept a gift. Especially if you're not accepting it because you're a snob.

If you talk to the coffee growers in Guatemala they'll tell you that it's all in the beans. No sense roasting shitty (-grown) beans (and taste these beans that I grew...they're the best). They do know exactly how their beans roast.

When the bean endosperm explodes you've roasted them too long (and look out for old maids).

[thelizabeth]

Hey--did you just say you grew your own coffee?? ANd furthermore, are you calling me OLD?! LOL

When *I* talk to coffee growers in guatemala, things get rough because they don't speak English and I refuse to gesture.

Yeah. He should have taken the coffee. But I heart him anyway.

[thelizabeth]

Also, when I perfect my air-popping method, I'll send you all samples that I freeze-dried into instant coffee. We'll start INSTANT coffee snobbery--a new breed!

[rah]

Thanks for showing me all kinds of new emoticons. Love it.

[KF]

I wasn't calling you old. I wasn't calling you big, fat or ugly either.

[thelizabeth]

You said "look out for old maids." Get it?

Big, fat, and ugly, though?!?!! Who said anything about big fat and ugly? Oh yeah, YOU! Watch it, mister.

:::weighs self:::

:::checks mirror:::

:::cracks knuckles:::

:::dons Zena the Warrior Princess costume:::

:::crouches in wait:::