It would be cruel to criticize her current form. She was out after shoulder surgery for ten months or something crazy like that.
But THIS:
Larger single image for extra added horror:
Masha, Masha--lovely, lanky Masha. You look like a cross between the Eiffel Tower and the John Hancock. We ladies of larger stature do ourselves no favors by suggesting with our attire that we require external bracing.
What is the 2008 US Open to me?
Not much. Well, four things, really:
1. Roger Federer's last chance to win ONE (gasp!) freaking major this year, after losing his Wimbledon crown and #1 ranking to Rafael Nadal (dirtballer) in one fell swoop. I have serious doubts. Fed's half of the draw is impossibly tough (Roddick, Djokovic, AND Davydenko between Roger and the final? Puh-leez, who does Rafa have in his half? Lindsay Davenport's ballboy?), he has NO momentum going in to the tournament, having lost to Blake (hot) in the Olympics (which Rafa [not hot] won), plus he's still missing a step after having mono.
2. It's another chance for pigeon-toed babyfat queen Ana "I eess so much bettare zan Maddeea Shaddapova! Ven shee eess eeenjoored, dat eess!" Ivanovic to win ANOTHER grand slam this year. Grrr. ONLY BECAUSE of number three. Read on.
3. It's a tournament where that ADORABLE NUMBER PICTURED ABOVE* will NOT be seen, or at least not draped about the willowy limbs of My Girl Sharpie, for whom it was designed. Sharpie missed the Olympics and is also missing the US Open (+ the remainder of the season) due to torn tendons (two of 'em!) in her right shoulder. She's been injured as such since April, but her doctors missed it on the MRI. Nice work, Team Genius. You'd think a world class athlete would have world class medical care. NOT SO, apparently.
4. It's a tournament I don't have time to obsess over this summer. Between work, friends, and soaking in as much nature as possible before returning to the land of concrete and frostbite, I just don't have time. NO tears, though--#1 and #3 make it not really worth my while any ol' hoo.
* And that's just her night dress (for night matches, duh). Her day dress was equally adorable. She was going to wear the electric blue version. CURSES!
Calm body; calm mind. Calm body; calm mind.
Inhale deeply; exhale slowly.
Oh, Sharpie. My girl is killing me. KILLING ME I SAY. Play is suspended due to darkness, and Shrieky/Streaky is currently up a set, but down a break in the second, and now it is too dark in Paris to play on. Match will continue tomorrow. She's still playing like absolutely crap. AND, in doing so, is clearly trying to kill me. Just like Andre Agassi did in the '06 US Open.
We only hurt the ones we love, Masha. We only hurt the ones we love.
Back to meditating.
Today, I'm glad I don't have cable.
Only because Maria Sharapova came incredibly close to being the first ever world #1 (and #1 seed) to lose in the 1st round at the French Open. I could NOT have handled watching that. Yikes. The match sounds like a real nail-biter, requiring two hours and thirty-eight minutes for Moan-aria to finally win 6-1, 3-6, 8-6. Double yikes! In the process, she racked up 17 double faults and 68 unforced errors. Triple and quadruple yikes!
At least she looked cute, debuting this lovely nautical number:
SUCH an improvement over last year's monstrosity. Don't get me started.
Well, JznO can vouch for me here: I totally called this one.
Fed had been playing his "B" game all tournament, had the stomach flu, and--let's face it--was kind of "due" to lose one at a hardcourt slam. Still, what the eff? Is this the month for slaying my idols? BOOOO!
YET, hope glimmers through the darkness tonight:
I will be
In the bar
With my head on the bar [...]
...IF...Sharpie/Screamapova/Shriekapova/SharaHOva loses in the women's final to Ana "Pigeon-Toed Babyfat Queen of Cheaters" Ivanovic.
That's right folks...MY GIRL IN ANOTHER GRAND SLAM FINAL!
Which means... another night in a sports bar for ThElizabeff. C'est la vie!
P.S. I have a sinus infection. LAME.
P.P.S. I have run out of tissues. DOUBLE LAME.
My girl kicked the crap out of Davenport.
Good.
Everything else?
Lame.
Well, I said her draw might be bad, and yikes--what's the opposite of eating crow? Her draw was pretty much as bad as it can possibly be.
Not only does she indeed meet a Top 4 player in the Quarters, but--if she makes it that far, which looks less and less likely--she'll probably face the world number one, Justine Herpes-Hardenne, who's on a 29-match winning streak.
But between now and then Sharapova has a Round Two clash with new mother, newly thin, still unbelievably sun-damaged American darling, Lindsay Davenport. Davenport decided to make her return to a Grand Slam final at this year's Australian Open, and as she's only ranked 51st, poor Maria will play her tonight. What a craptacular draw!
What can you do. I'll tell you what I did last night: pretended to read Benjamin, but really watched the statistics on the AO Website change while my favorites players were playing.
Well. At least she didn't go out in the first round, like Andy Murray (boooo!) and Carlos Moya (hooooooot!).
That's right folks, it's obsessive sports-blogging time!
While I've been away, Sharapova came in second at the year-end WTA championships, salvaging a relatively horrendous 2007 season that still saw her drop to #5 (from #2) in the rankings.
I say "relatively" because she DID get further in Australia (finals) and at the French (semis) than ever before. However, she only won one title, and when she lost she lost bad. The worst blow was at the US Open, where she had the most ranking points to defend (after winning in '06) and a generous draw that laid open a clear path straight to the finals, but she lost in the 3rd round or some such shit to a nobody who played the match of her lifetime. AND YOU WONDER WHY I DIDN'T FOLLOW THROUGH ON MY PROMISE TO BLOG THE US OPEN AND ITS FASHION NIGHTMARES.
Also Federer lost a bunch of matches, including an exhibition to Pete Sampras. I don't want to talk about it, okay?
HOWEVER! The season has started again, and with the Australian Open beginning on Monday, I gots to say this: Maria has a tough row to hoe.
Last year, she looked darling, played well, and didn't have that shoulder injury yet. Leading into the tournament this year, she's still injured, played a warm-up tournament at Hong Kong where she lost the final to Venus Williams (but creamed poor Anna Chakvetadze along the way--always love that). She's seeded #5 (which means she could meet a Top Four player as early as the quarters--one more downside to a lower ranking), plans to wear GOLD (blech!) and still hasn't figured out how much cuter she looked without bangs.
Do you think I should give her a call? I think she needs me. Really, I do.
Well helleeeooooooo Ms. Shriekapova! Care for a spot of tea?
By Jove, you say, nearing the end of Wimbledon’s first week, yet not a word from crazy fan-girl ThElizabiff? Good heavens! Goodness me!
You got me, I be slackin’. So let me begin my first Wimbledon ’07 post with an excuse-slash-complaint: Wimbledon follows too hard on the heels of the French Open. Which means a) I don’t have ample time to get pumped for THE BEST Grand Slam, AND b) the grass court season is too damned short. I don’t want to get into a long discussion about whether grass or clay is the “more traditional” surface, you’re just gonna have to accept that grass is better. Why, you say? Well, because all my favorite players excel on it. That’s just logic, folks.
This year in particular, so devastated by Federer’s embarrassing loss to Rafael “Man-pris” Nadal in the men’s French Open final, I couldn’t bring myself to obsessively go over the Wimbledon draws with a fine-toothed comb well before the tournament started. However, I have obsessively DVR-ed almost every match ESPN2 televised this week, and thus caught up, I can place the following in the “YAY!” column:
1) So far Screamapova has been barreling through her opponents like so much black tulle. She outright embarrassed Bremond yesterday, combining her usual blistering groundstrokes and swinging volleys with an unusual (for her) amount of variety—sharp netplay, short chips, drop shots, topspin lobs, decent movement (for a chick who’s 6’2”), and super-solid service. So she netted one easy overhead. That’s why she heart the swingin’ volley! Anyhoo, she bagelled the first set, winning eight consecutive games before even allowing Bremond on the board.
2) SO MUCH FASHION TO TALK ABOUT! See my next post for rants/details.
3) Roddick looks pretty sharp, coming to Wimbledon with a recent grass-court title to his name. Unfortunately (for fan-girl ThElizabeff), the draw dictates that he can’t possibly meet Federer in a replay of the 2005 Wimbledon final-- they’d meet in the semis if anywhere. Stupid Nadal disrupting my fantasy-finals!
4) Today: MARAT SAFIN vs. ROGER FEDERER!!! I-I—I—I can’t keep my clothes on. To steal an equation from Joseph, (Federer’s Neck-down perfection + Safin’s general bad-boy smoking hotness) x white outfits on grass court = THELIZEXPLOSION! I can’t wait. Okay, I don’t have to wait, the match is on in like 4 minutes or something.
HOWEVER! It’s not all crumpets and funny little accents. Now for the “dodgy” column:
1) Because of the seeding and draw, Sharapova has an unfortunate collision (well, likely collision) with a certain Venus Williams in the Round of 16. Booooo. If she loses it will be her worst Wimbly showing since she won the tournament in ’04.
2) Nadal be rollin’. DO NOT WANT! At least he—gasp!—isn’t sporting Capris this tournament, but he’s still wearing ridiculously tight pants and pulling his knickers out his bum after every point. ::Shudder.:: Freaking weird Europeans.
3) Gonzales out already. I enjoy his insane forehand, but even moreso his general “I have no idea what restraint looks like” go-for-broke style of play.
4) Blake is out. Why should you care? Well, in addition to his snappy forehand, he’s-Harvard educated, well-spoken, sensitive, and—okay, okay, mostly just because
It's okay to stare.
Now I know what you're thinking: How could that man possibly get any hotter? The anwer is
.That is, he could stop shaving his head.
I still know what you're thinking: Could thElizabeff possibly get any shallower? The answer is...oh just you wait for my Wimbledon '07 Fashion Review. Shallower than the kiddy-pool.
Cheerio!
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