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Okay, maybe I can at least get partial credit:

#1: Not as far as I know. I heard that if you get a lot of protein your fingernails grow faster, but I don't know about vitamins. I don't think so. I once read about an experiment where a doctor attached to a logging camp made sure all the lumberjacks shaved every day and he weighed the beard shavings and he determined that their beards grew faster in the three days before they were going to go into town. Hair and fingernails are both made of keratin. Have you been doing a lot of lumberjacking lately? Are you anticipating a few days of "me time" away from the other lumberjacks?

#2: Nope.

#3,4: This is a little similar: Once upon a time I was working at The Exclusive Company (tm) in Madison and this dude in a wheelchair came into the store and puttered around for a while looking at stuff, with his girlfriend, clearly having no trouble. It was a little busy so nobody was really paying attention to him, and after a little while my coworker, Waylon, and I were standing up front at the cash registers when this guy silently wheels up behind Waylon (he was standing by the edge of the elevated register area) and yanks on his pants leg while gibbering like a grown-up FAS baby. He drops the act like two seconds later though. Turns out he was just paraplegic and trying to guilt us for something or other, who fucking knows what. In summary wheelchair guys = self-pity - impulse control.

#5: Clearly he is a firm believer in the Objectivist philosophy of Ayn Rand, which clearly states: "Fuck you, pay me."

#6: Dunno.

#7: Magic 8-Ball says "All signs point to yes."

#8: I wish I could blame the chain, considering the number of handy graphics and catchphrases we already have for that eventuality, but in this case the problem is that the wire in your gearshift has come loose. You'll probably have to replace the cable.

#9: See #5. Also rich people need an outlet for their ridiculously ill-informed sense of what is normal clothing. That also sort of explains #6.

3-4: GAWDDAMMIT karl, your answers just brought up more questions. GAWD!

What is an FAS baby?

I'm pretty sure that's fetal alcohol syndrome.

You are correct.




I love you. I really, really do.

::looks around::


::looks around again::


::cartoon hearts come out of head::

I love you too.

Although I know you just love me for defending "For Fuck's Sake." Which I just learned has an LOL-style internet acronym. FFS. I didn't know it was such a widely used term, wide enough to merit its own chat abbreviation.I'm glad, though. FFS can a

oops. I don't feel like finishing that sentence after all.

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