do you believe in planets?

NOT HOT in 2005

inn 3006, I'm bringing back the list.  These five losers appear in random order.

GENTLEMEN

Brad Pitt.  You had your day.  You had horsey-face.  Now you can have silicon lips all to yourself, you big cheating asshole.

Ethan Hawke.   JESUS GAWD people, get over this skinny white walking overbite.  Seriously.

Male Models, in general.  Every one of these mancakes always looks to me like either a) he could kill me in .3 seconds by flexing one fleshy forearm, or b) I could beat him up, but he'd probably throw up all over me. 

LADIES

Britney Spears.  It's almost unfair to further molest this trainwreck with the sharp sting of sarcasm.  But... well.. it's not sarcasm.  Two word, folks: CHEE.  TOS.

Tyra Banks.  This woman is fucking terrifying. 

Agent Sidney Bristow.  Man, she got FAT this season!

every day is filled with tiny miracles. I call these small wonders "random shit."

I take Claratin, but I still sneeze and sniffle my way through each morning, especially during winter when a thin layer of mold and mildew covers everything (because the rain never stops long enough for a good solid "drying out"). Thus I keep a box of Kleenex within reach throughout the day, right next to my left knee, right on top of my dictaphone. 

Today I reached for my box of Kleenex, pulled out two fluffy white tissues, and--you know--used 'em.  Then I got drippy a few minutes later, again reached for my box of Kleenex, and pulled out one fluffy white tissue, and one--PEACH-colored tissue?!

Crazy times we live in.

Day One of the Last Seven

I thought these last few weeks would whip by. 

Well, this WEEKEND whipped by, so I suppose I was 3/7 right so far. 

I was pissed when they kept me here until 6:30 the day I gave my notice.  I was pissed when they informed me at 4:45 (on CASUAL DAY!) that I had to give a presentation at 5:00 (in jeans and trail-runners!).  I am habitually pissed when I don't get to take a lunch break and end up working a nine-hour day with low blood sugar when I only get paid for eight hours.

But expecting me to pound out an entire set of corporate documents btween 8:00 (okay, 8:15) and 9:00 in the morning BEFORE I GET TO FINISH MY FIRST GODDAMN CUP OF COFFEE is THE last straw.

My life is so rough, huh?  Did I mention that I saw King Kong last night?  Did I mention that it's over three hours long?  Did I mention that it's unremarkable?

Vewy Mewwy Cwithmith (or whatever) Evewybody!

I miss snow, but this short-sleeves-on-Christmas thing is something I could get used to. It's currently 54 degrees and actually kinda sunny.

I miss my friends and my family, but--well, there's really no way around that one.

So, what else is new, Internets? Not much, as far as I can tell. Here's a story for you: Last night my cat cornered a teeny baby possum in the courtyard. She's such a little hardass. I go outside to bring her in, and I think I spot her in the corner where our building butts up again the next one, but--uh, nope, that's a little baby possum. Then I see Brown with her tail all puffed up crouching down about six feet in front of this poor scared-shitless, half-blind little possum, and I yell "Brown! Naughty!" Well, my presence just emboldens her, and she takes off after the poor thing, who scuttles along the side of the building like "Fuck-AAAAUUUUGH!" Brown finally gets distracted by the neighbor's cat jumping out of the doorway of the other building, they get in a hissing fight, and I scoop a snarling Brown up into my arms and whisk her inside.

Poor little possum. But really I was just afraid Brown would catch some disease from it.

So, anyway... Mewwy Chwithmith evewyone!

giving notice has made me lazy.

Or maybe not caring has made me lazy.

Or... maybe being lazy has made me lazy.

Regardless, since giving my two weeks on Monday, my motivation levels at work have hit record-lows.  I am currently procrastinating about refilling my paperclip dispenser. 

*Sigh.*  Coffee break anyone?

i love turning grown men into two year-olds

From one attorney when I gave him word of my departure from Shitty Shitthole this morning:

"How come nobody likes us?"

It was almost cute.

Guess what??

IT'S SNOWING IN PORTLAND! What a gift for a homesick Sconnie girl.

These are not even the wind-blown flurries I requested but instead are real life, fat and lazy snowflakes too heavy to waste time gettin' to the ground.  According to Portlanders this happens about once a winter, so I'm making a concerted effort to enjoy it.  Of course, the snow followed an ice storm, so I took my (pathetic little) life into my own hands in driving down to the coffee shop to sit and watch the show out the window. 

Today's ice storm, though, was nuttin' compared to the ice storm of 01-04 that kept the city hostage for an entire week, frozen solid under three inches of ice.  I remember people asking me that January, "So, you midwesterners, you're used to this kind of thing, right?"  In fact, I had never seen anything like that storm in my life.  In the spirit of end-of-year nostalgia and the sick enjoyment I find in shitty weather, today I looked back at old blog, but for whatever reason, I hadn't really post much about the storm --just this (and, unrelatedly, a little bit of this that still makes me giggle uncontrollably).  What I do notice, though, is a definite change in tone between blogging then and blogging now.  I'm somehow less sarcastic, less cynical, and less confident now (though I think my confidence showed in a sorry kind of way back then), but less earnest and "emo" as well. All in all, I clearly put more effort into being clever back in the day, but less effort into concealing my often fragile emotional state. 

Let it snow, fuckers.

Adventures in "I'm a sarcastic asshole."

So, unfortunately, one of my colleagues from the university died really unexpectedly last weekend. Yes, it is tragic and sad, and I don't wish to make light of her death, but that it is sad and tragic is not the point I am making [and, more to the point, a sad and tragic death is not appropriate blog-fodder]. Anyway. I let my department know I would probably need a day off from the firm in the near future for a memorial service or funeral or whatever.

One of my bosses (the new guy who's only like a year older than me) turns to me and says, "So, are you sad?" I blinked at him. What kind of fucking question was that? "Or, I mean, does it at least kinda make you think?" I gritted my teeth, looked out the window, and blankly replied, "No. I don't have any feelings, and I never think, not under any circumstance." Seriously. Then he pursued the matter further. To the rest of his questions I shrugged, then finally replied with, "It's weird that people will just go and die. That is what I think."

I cannot explain why the entire conversation felt like he was attacking me, or at least probing me in a mean and twisted way, but trust me, it did.

Unrelatedly, I don't know why sarcasm is my tone of choice this year, but trust me, it is.

In addition, I can't figure out why I always have to be such an asshole, but trust me, it's worth it.

stupid jetstream.

Seriously, hello Wisco.

Tra la, tra la

do you believe in PRIZES?!?

Contest time!  Provide a hi-larious caption:

This contest is 100% subjective, and I'm the Princess. 

Don't talk to Karl about the prize.  Just--don't.

Here's my submission:

"So as not to upset his cronies and his pals in the corporate media, President Bush continues babbling nonsensical soundbyte after nonsensical soundbyte as the aliens land their spaceship on the White House lawn."

I WIN!  Wait...  wait... I guess I'll give you guys a chance.  Ready go.

NEW CONTENT

So I woke up this morning with a sore mouth.  It hurt to talk, to swallow, to brush my teeth.  I discovered a very, very large "nodule" of sorts that had formed under my tongue while I slept, and was now causing me severe discomfort.  I poked at it a bit, but couldn't do much about the ugly thing. I had to get to work and all.

During my commute, I'm sippin' my coffee, swearin' at the traffic, the usual stuff, when this gawd-awful taste fills my mouth.  Then I notice--that pain in my mouth is suddenly gone!  I get to work, go into the ladies' room, look under my tongue, and--its gone!  Like magic!

Now I wonder if I: a) have mouth cancer; b) have an STD; c) have a magical nodule-producing mouth; or d) this was a fluke nodule.

Anyway, it hurt and tasted gross.

I am ferociously homesick

a sad beginning to the winter
Originally uploaded by sixteenscreens.

Jsst sayin'. I mean, snow and stuff. An Christmas Eve arguing with my Republican uncles at my grandmother's farmhouse. For serious, I miss these things.

the USA might just be bad at being a country.

My parents would have kicked my ass if I had brought home a report card that looked like this.

Attention Spine!

No, I didn't help myself to a pipe full of crack this morning, but I swear to god and jesus as well that half a dozen giant white birds entertained me during my morning coffee by dive-bombing NE MLK for almost an hour. 

WTF?

Granted, it was 6:30 in the morning; granted, I'd been up since 5:00--but still, if I hallucinate in the early AM, this is news to me.

reese is horrifying

good lord.